i wrote a revealing post on here a couple of weeks ago. it was easy to do, in the moment, and hard to do, afterwards.
i haven’t really been able to write anything since.
i closed right up.
life is beautiful and it’s also really sad, sometimes. i’m sad for so much that has happened to me, and for so much that has happened to others.
as a child, i looked in my mother’s eyes and asked this question in a shaky, quiet, terrified voice: if you and dad love each other, then why do you fight so much?
here’s what i *wanted* her to say: we don’t really fight! that’s all made up! the love is real, the hurt is not. i take it all back, sweetie – all that pain and fear. from now on you only have to see us love.
but instead i got an answer like this: it’s complicated, baby. but we both love you so much.
this question to my mother was my own prayer to god that when i was a mother, i wouldn’t have to say those words to my children – that my children would never have to ask me that question, in a shaky, quiet, terrified voice.
that they would only have to see their parents love.
and because of what i talked about in that revealing post –
because of what happened in dallas, i am as certain as i can be that this deep prayer of mine was answered.
i am as certain as i can be that my children will never have to ask me that question.
i am as certain as i can be that pat and i were healed, and sealed, through that monstrous time.
i’m practicing. i’m trying on how it feels to say something honest, and also maintain a boundary. i’m working on remaining vulnerable, without shutting down.
i do hope, whoever you are, that you will keep meeting me where i am.
i do hope, whoever you are, that you see that life is beautiful. and that sadness, sometimes –
*photo taken by the one and only iaiv photography*